thoughts at the end of my 28th year

thoughts at the end of my 28th year

tags: #ramblings

23-11-07 @ 06:12 pm-07:39pm

i am ~~obsessed with~~ fixated upon freeing myself from "the current". it caught ahold of me *hard* as i've struggled to find a version of myself that'd be both legible to those i love and representative of my complex internal experience.

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i've searched for excuses to connect with important people in my life through pieces of media rather than communicating my emotions, desires, and needs out of a fear of being misunderstood and belittled for my lack of precision and internal consistancy. i've isolated myself in shame to protect from a pain that was yet to occur–predicted solely from within my militantly guarded ego.

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i cannot imagine the world that lies ahead.

though "change is the only constant", a through line of systemic brutalization and exploitation has soured or extinguished all that i've uplifted as dream or purpose. is that truly not a predictor of an eternal truth?

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what is a life that's in conversation with or acknowledges without dwelling upon addiction, dependence, pain, fear, and shame? is it one that i could enact for myself without perpetuating the systems of violence that i've felt neccesitated dissotiation or intentional unawareness to escape?

if so: could a life like that be fulfiling or sustainable? will i continue to struggle meeting my own material needs?

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i know that i must ask for help, that this could only ever be achieved through the expansive potential of acting in coalition with those who've dedicated their time to gather a wholely unique set of answers to questions i'd never think to ask.

yet, that help remains something i'm unprepared and unwilling to accept.

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as i continue to live a life i've dreamed of ending for over fifteen years, i hope to find contentment in my relationships with myself and the people i care about, my leisure, and my appreciation of the artful world that surrounds me.

here's to another day

here's to another year